Monday, February 07, 2005

Im beginning to feel that awkwardness from a crush i never really expected. It all started from a lousy crush which i thought would only last for a week but ended up lasting for a year. I just cant imagine myself being in this situation untill today. I couldnt stop thinking about her no matter how hard i tried. Switched on the tv, listened to music, even slept half of the day just to get her off my mind. Yet she's there, dreamt of her again.. this is completely silly as its eating me alive.

The last thing i wanna do is to scare her away. Its my secret love that i shall never reveal. She deserves more than me as i dont trust myself to bring happiness in her life. I go each day hoping to her smile. Everytime when i see those eyes lit up, ill feel satisfied and it helps me to search for my happy thoughts. Its sad to know that its come to this.. but ill live with it anyways.. living it all to god's hands as i dont dare to cross the line of awkwardness that im in now. It would practically kill off everything i believe in..

There is a million words that i wish to express.. telling her how im feeling right now.. but ill hold myself back anyway so that she doesnt have to know. I realise now that im too shy to face all of this again.. To think that i wanna get back in the game but that door has closed and im finding it hard to search for the keys.

Could this be true love? or could it be one of those feelings that's meant to be there to hurt u. I feel a connecting though its weak, i sense an attraction though its only temporary, i learn to love though its making me sick, Im going through life with all these sad memories...
hehe.. i know my blog is not like the ones i post often. Its all based on raw emotions and thoughts that was never meant to be there. This post is dedicated to you.. i shall never write about you again if you dont want me to. Perhaps this is the last time ill ever type about you.. who knows.. soo if you happened to read this, im gonna express it all right now. Eventhough you wont come across this blog... i hope you do one day as i sense you from far living the happiest life that god could ever offer.

I first noticed you and i felt this warmt like no other, i thought it was only a crush as i tend to feel a lil something when i see a beautiful image infront of me. After that day.. i never thought ill ever see you again. still you were there deep down.. As time goes my feelings grew stronger but still i fear for the worse. I dont understand this feeling and ive learned not to understand it because its not meant to b understood. Some may say that its only infatuation but it brings love to a new dimension to me as ive never expected it to be this strong. I dont dare to say those 3 words as i still believe that its too good to be true. Then you came back and you made me see that youre too good to be true. I hope you realise that you are true. Everything that i see in you is true.. Youre the only thing that always seem to be on my mind and you keep me thinking deeply everyday. Im so thankful that i still get to see you now and see u smiling when i do. When youre hurt and feeling low.. i know its burns me as im shackled to watch. There's still things to say but i fear it would never end.. Im just going straight to the point and i just wanna wish you this. No matter what happens in the future.. i would still think of you... who ever you're fated to be.. i will be happy for you and give you all the support that you need. Youre just too special for anyone to have but if you do end up with somebody.. he'll be the most luckiest person alive.. I guess this is it.. there's nothing left to be said but a long goodbye..


I still hope that things can be different and i know for a fact it still can be. This post is an insurance for myself if you end up feeling otherwise.. If we really are meant to be, then i shall wait for it to come while searching for the truth about life.

If there is anybody reading this blog.. Ill be ok. Dont worry about me =) im just letting it all out so that maybe ill be able to feel better about myself. I just hope she'll come across this blog so that she'll know how i truly feel... Im just to scared as im a coward. I admit that when i truly love someone.. i can never say how i truly feel and i find that typing it out is the best way...

Anyways.. that is it for now.. Ill blog about something else next time.. till then... ;)





9:20 PM